Sunday, June 26
i thought of something just now. but i've since forgotten it. oh yes.
i am officially panicking for the block tests, which start.. drum roll please.. tomorrow.
here is the list of things i have done:
1. read through econs up to the third booklet.
2. first 2 chaps of math
3. 1 lecture of sea
4. acted smart during the lit lesson [i am trying to put down something under lit]
5. had chinese tuition regularly
and here is the list of things i have to do:
1. by
tomorrow:
grow a brain for gp. 2. by wed: read the last booklet of econs, flip through the tys, realise i don't know anything, and start all over again.
3. by thurs: the rest of south east asian history, which is technically about 15+ lectures?
4. by fri: the rest of math, which is about 6 big scary chapters
5. by next tues: the entire whateveryoucallit of international history, which i have not touched for one month.
6. by next wed: finish reading frankie for the exam.
7. by an unspecified date, get my portfolio in order and send it off.
i am rather dead, huh. i don't know why i didn't start studying earlier. oh bullshit i do know. i was too busy with other -ahem- stuff. as usual. last minute crammer. only this time there really is a lot of stuff to cram, and hearing people talk about hwachong papers, this little part of my heart sinks and i just
know there isn't any point in studying because i will fail anyway. and i just feel so
alone. because none of you can understand what i'm going through, right here, right now. we're all taking different combinations now. i can't ask for help except in math, and even then things are so different in different schools. sure, siti does arts too, but she doesn't take math! and we do different hist and lit papers etc.
if i'm so dead, why am i still online? i don't know either. cos i like the sound of tapping keys and the comfort of talking to friends.
when was the last time you prayed? as in, really prayed. not thank-you-God-for-food-amen. really got down on your knees and bowed in surrender to God and His will. i realise i haven't been doing that since i left st. marg's. somehow it's easy to pray there. where praying is accepted and well- needed. i think back to our ritual of praying before every paper and how good it made me feel, knowing God was in control. there's something in linking hands and praying together. but here- and now. i can't imagine me doing that with anyone. it's just too - unsecular. but i know i'm going to need prayer now, more than ever before.. and i'm going to have to make that happen for myself and not depend on other Christians for support.. because you're simply not there anymore. physically absent. it makes a difference, you know. it does.
jan: i know you've got phys tomorrow so you probably won't be reading this.. but maybe it'd be nice if we prayed together tmr before gp.. like we used to.. it would really help.
it must've been love.
8:06 pm
xoxo
